Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
