oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
