ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
