U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
