8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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