wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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