**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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