I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
