Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
