I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
