i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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