Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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