You made me cry and you don't even care
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
