i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
