my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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