Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Buhtt sex?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
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