I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
