I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
