Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
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Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
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it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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