I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
why do cheetos always look like penises
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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