I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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