Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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