Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
