I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
