You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
