So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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