I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Drake has all the answers
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
