I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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