I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
