Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
