I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC