I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
