His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
