Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
