Will you blow on my dice?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
