he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
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I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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