Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
