So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
We talked him into tasing himself.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
