There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
