Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
