i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
this hospital has no fireball
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
