i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
