End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
