Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
