i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
