Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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