3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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