sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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