I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
