Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
