I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
