There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
