How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
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I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
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My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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