ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
