Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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