Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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