How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
